An enquiry to the Daily Mail upon becoming unemployed
by Innes MacLeod, whose blog is here.
As a recently unemployed person I decided to pen an e-mail to the Daily mail asking why it wasn’t all they’d built it up to be:
Dear Daily Mail,
I have a problem I thought you could help me with. I recently became unemployed for the first time in my life, a shocking experience for anyone and for many a time where they may feel confused and helpless. Others in my position may have trembled however I was not afraid for as a reader of the daily mail I knew exactly what to expect. I was prepared.
At least I thought so…
For you see Mr Mail (can I call you daily? or dale perhaps?) things didn’t quite pan out as you lead me to believe. I was fully expecting that as soon as my p45 was in my hand I would begin to feel urges. The strange desire to become a feckless layabout, the burning hatred growing in me of the idea of a hard days work, a yearning for countless children I couldn’t possibly afford and worst of all a complete loss of my sense of Britishness. I was already to fight these off with a stiff upper lip and a union jack in hand however I didn’t notice the change. I felt fairly normal and this wasn’t the worst of it!
You see Dale it was a bit of a struggle to find work (probably down to all those people coming over here and taking the jobs) and soon I found my savings drying up. I was in a pretty desperate way Dale and I ask you to bear this in mind when I tell you what I did next and please don’t judge me to harshly. I decided I might claim benefits…
I mean after all I’m a decent British citizen, never relied on the state once in my life (with the obvious exception of the NHS,public roads, public rail, growing up in a council house, public parks, national defense, national security, education, my tuition fees, my medication, my pension, my bin collection, the police, the fire service,my mothers maternity leave,museums, libraries,sports facilities etc etc etc) But I figured as an upstanding citizen who’s never done wrong I deserve to reap the rewards that the scroungers get…just till I’m back on my feet.
Now thanks to your investigations I knew that I could easily get 3 houses and a six figure sum but I didn’t want to take advantage. Instead I asked for £60,000 a year and second home (As my current flat is a little small and you know how hose prices are these days) You will not believe what happened next though. The man in the job centre laughed! How unprofessional, it should all be privatised! (or has it been already I can never keep up) He informed me that all I was entitled to was rent and a measly £56 a week! How on earth am I supposed to summer in France this year on that!
Well I went back to study my copies of your fine newspaper to find out what I had done wrong. I realised my error was not having nearly enough children, illnesses or foreigness to be granted that kind of money. The problem is much like many male readers of your paper women don’t like to be in the same room as me never mind bear my children. Also I’m a bit squeamish to do myself actual harm. As for the third option I would never give up my passport! My grandfather didn’t die in the war to see me become a jhnny foreigner (well my grandad didn’t die in the war but other people’s grandparents did, you know, poor people’s grandparents) It seems I would have to become more inventive.
I had to become a benefits cheat!
I promptly marched back to the labour exchange and informed them that I was a North Korean Muslim who has eighteen children, no limbs and a burning hatred for this country.I then just as I was asking tobe pointed to the brochure to pick out my holiday home they called the police!
After a lot of questioning, the involvement of MI5 and some very intrusive searching I was promptly sectioned! I know am here in my room in the mental health unit wondering where it all went wrong? Please Dale help me out, what you’ve told me can’t be lies can it?
Gideon P. Biggoting-Hatesmith
I sent this to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you have any similar queries I would encourage you to get in touch with them.