I’ve been called a “slut” twice. Once by a male partner, once by a man on the street. Both times it was about an attempt to control me, not a description of my behaviour or the way I dress. Both times it shocked me, then made me feel physically sick, like being punched in the stomach.

Florynce Kennedy says fuck you patriarchy

I have a less visceral but still unpleasant reaction to being called “anti-sex” “patronizing” “conservative” or “transphobic” by other women when I say that I’m a radical feminist, or if I express any qualms about reclaiming words like slut, or activities like pole-dancing.

So here’s the deal, in a nutshell – I am all for sex, but I am anti the sex-industry and exploitation. I think it less patronizing to seek out the experiences and the voices of people with direct experiences of various oppressions, than to claim that everyone is ultimately metaphysically free (regardless of poverty, addictions or abuse) and to listen to the voices of only those with power and privilege, I think it is less conservative to challenge the status quo of objectification and commodification of sex than to repackage the same old rules as an empowering “choice”, and I am quite straightforwardly just not transphobic (so aren’t all of the other people I know who call themselves radical feminists).

And I dislike being called a slut. I do not want to call myself a slut. I do not want to call any other women sluts. I do not want to march through London under a banner that says “slut”. Because it is a term of abuse, and I find it more meaningful to say to abusive name-calling types “no, fuck you, I’m not a slut” than to say “yeah, I am a slut, and proud”. I get that both are resistance, but I personally like the way the first feels, and I don’t like the way the second feels. It’s important to me to be able to say what’s true about the world, in the language that everyone uses, the way they use it, and to stand by that truth. I don’t think this makes me man-hating, conservative, transphobic,  patronising, censorious or oppressive of women working as prostitutes. No, wait. I mean it just doesn’t make me any of those things. That’s one of those truths. I am not a slut, man-hating, conservative, transphobic,  patronising, censorious or oppressive of women working as prostitutes.

In turn I’m not asking anyone not to call themselves a slut, or not to go on the march, or not to attempt to take back the word and rob it of all its power. I believe that it’s a doomed enterprise, but go ahead and try by all means, I could be wrong. It worked with queer even though it didn’t work with n****r. What I am asking is that people who are going on Slut Walk, and who are blogging or tweeting or talking about it bear in mind that their own personal history and feelings about the word aren’t the same as everyone else’s, and that saying that it’s “not a feminist issue”, or levelling unfounded and stereotyping criticisms at any woman that has a different analysis and doesn’t want to go on the march or call herself a slut hurts us all, and doesn’t help anyone except the people who’d like to keep things just as they are. There are things to talk about, including what ‘reclaiming’ is, how to address victim-blaming in a rape culture, and so on. But there isn’t an environment in which we can actually do this right now, it’s all a bit hostile. Any attempt to have any of these conversations gets shot down in a volley of insults.

So could I ask that before criticising other women for not wanting to call themselves sluts, people imaginatively immerse themselves in the following brief scenarios, and consider them as at least as typical as the dastardly copper type story that started the movement:

Being called “slut” and “n****r” as part of an ongoing campaign of racist abuse at school or university.

Being called a slut during a traumatising rape.

Being told by an abusive partner that everybody you know thinks you’re a slut.

Being a teenage mother who’s been called a slut by a health professional.

Working in prostitution and being raped by a client because you’re a “slut”.

Maybe there will be people on the march who’ve been in similar situations to these and find it an empowering step in their own personal development to go marching as a self-proclaimed slut. Maybe there will be lots of other women who’ve been in these kinds of situations who feel more empowered by refusing to accept the label that someone else has tried to put on them. So could we keep things a bit more civil and understanding between those two camps please? It’s bad enough being called names by misogynist arseholes, without doing it to each other.

This post first appeared on Topsoil