Memorandum to Mr David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party, in advance of the Leaders Debate on foreign policy.
1) This time, please try not to risk war with a security council member.
1b) If you must ignore this advice, at least choose a small one. Gabon is a nice place to send our boys at this time of year. Or Uganda – they recently discovered oil there! But please don’t declare war on a country who’s army is so big that, were they to jump up and down in Kent, they could flip Scotland into France.
2) The fact that your map is 30% pink means it’s out of date.
3) Every time you allude to similarities between yourself and a certain prominent black American, the entire nation shouts: “you are hopelessly full of shit” (also applies to Mr Clegg).
4) It’s not called “Rhodesia” any more.
5) Whatever you do, do not utter the words “homophobic Eastern European”. You lost those votes when you decided to blame them for the unemployment rate, lack of council housing, and Icelandic volcano.
6) When people say “our boys” they are not normally referring to the 1978 Eton Wall Game finalists. Unless you are talking to the shadow cabinet.
7) You might want to avoid saying that you are going to base a British foreign policy on what a taxi driver said to you in a pub. Even if it was in a marginal constituency. Even if they are black.
Feel free to add any further tips in the comments below.